Psalm 40

9 I have told the glad news of deliverance
    in the great congregation;
behold, I have not restrained my lips,
    as you know, O Lord.
10 I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart;
    I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation;
I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness
    from the great congregation.

11 As for you, O Lord, you will not restrain
    your mercy from me;
your steadfast love and your faithfulness will
    ever preserve me!
12 For evils have encompassed me
    beyond number;
my iniquities have overtaken me,
    and I cannot see;
they are more than the hairs of my head;
    my heart fails me.

13 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me!
    O Lord, make haste to help me!

Psalm 40:9-13

Hi everyone, sorry for not posting for a while.  I tell myself that I just haven't had much to say (which is partly true), but in reality I just haven't been disciplined enough to sit down and write an update.

I was reflecting on the above passage for a few days.  I think Psalm 40:9-13 can be my new life verse.  God has delivered me in many ways.  While it's possible that He may not ultimately deliver me from this cancer, I have seen His steadfast love and faithfulness time and time again.

It's hard to imagine that it's been almost a year exactly from the point where I was diagnosed.  I've spent much time over the past few weeks reflecting on how my cancer journey started.  I still marvel that God would use the adoption process that Jenn and I were going through to finally cause me to see a doctor for a physical (having avoided doctors since high school) - a physical that would lead to an abnormal blood test which would eventually lead doctors to a cancer diagnosis.  

I've read stories of so many myeloma patients that had no idea they had this cancer until they broke a bone or wound up in the hospital for diseases which their weakened immune system couldn't fight off.  Yet for me, God in His goodness would allow doctors to catch the cancer while I was in good health and asymptomatic.

Thinking back on all of the treatment I've had, God delivered me from experiencing any major discomfort from the drugs.  My doctor would frequently tell me that I was his first myeloma patient not to experience any side effects from my initial therapy.  Praise God!

God not only has been sustaining me physically over the past year, but He's encouraged my soul with the love, prayers, and thoughtfulness of countless friends and family members.  

I wish I could speak with the Psalmist and say that I have never hidden God's deliverance from others.  I haven't intentionally; but there have been several times where neighbors or coworkers have asked how I'm able to handle things so well, and out of laziness or tiredness I have failed to point to the steadfast love and faithfulness of my God which preserves me.

Friends, please pray that I would not cease to speak of all the ways that God has been good to me and my family, even in the midst of cancer.  Pray that even when I'm physically tired of talking about how I'm doing that I would never grow weary in pointing everyone to the one who sustains me.

Soli deo gloria.

Retrospective

Happy 2016!  I'm told that the new year is a good time to pause and reflect on the year gone by.  For those of you following this blog, I don't need to tell you what a roller coaster of a year it's been.  It would be easy to look back at 2015 and call it a year worth forgetting.  Or, if I were to make a movie of my 2015, I could call it "Bryan and the Horrible, Terrible, No Good , Very Bad Year" (credits to Judith Viorst).  It would be wrong to make those statements though.

As I sit at my desk reflecting,  I can't help but see all of the blessings that came in 2015.  Yes, the year was marked by trials and sadness, but there's no denying that the goodness of God was ever present.  Here are some of the lessons I learned (much of which is a repeat of things I've posted here in the past).

• God's ways are not our ways.
  The year started out with such excitement (the good kind).  Jenn and I had made the decision to start the adoption process, and while the process was overwhelming and stressful at times, we were thrilled to move forward with starting a family.  I never would have thought at the start of the year that God would have other plans.
  
  All things to that point seemed to be pointing us to adoption.  After years of not being able to conceive, we had a new church pastor move just a couple of miles away who had two adopted boys.  We became enamored with Jenn's cousin's adopted boy.  Plus, God just laid on our hearts the desire to give a family-less child a family.
  
  Still, even when we were thinking that God was going to move us along the path of having a family, we instead were reminded that we can't understand the mind of God (Is. 40:13-14, Is. 55:8-9).  Little did I know that the adoption process would be God's means for getting my cancer diagnosed.  This is not the way I would have scripted 2015, but God in His perfect wisdom decided to give us a detour.  Jenn and I pray that it's a temporary detour on our journey to starting a family, but we recognize that God alone is wise and in control.
• Health should not be taken for granted.
  I always took pride in the fact that I never seemed to get seriously sick.  Sure, I'd get a cold every now and then, but I never had any serious ailments that required prescriptions or trips to the doctor.  Being diagnosed with cancer was a glimpse into a world I had never seen - x-rays, biopsies, cat scans, waiting rooms, exam rooms, pharmacies ... it was all so foreign to me.
  
  Yet, through the whole process, God was reminding me that health is a gift not to be taken for granted.  And it wasn't my own condition that reminded me of this.  2015 allowed me to witness a church family's own struggle with their child's cancer.  Both my grandmas had struggles with their health - one of which almost passed away and had to have a pacemaker installed.  Jenn's grandpa also had an incident which left him hospital-ridden and us wondering whether he would make it.  My parents had battles with health ailments.
  
  We are finite, frail, and feeble creatures.  For as much as we try to exercise, eat healthy, take vitamins and supplements, we ultimately cannot buy or maintain good health.  2015 has taught me to be grateful for the seasons of good health while also mourn and empathize with those that are struggling with various ailments.
• Count your blessings.
  Even in times of darkness and trials, it's important to take a step back and thank God for His blessings.  For me, 2015 was a reminder of how God continues to provide for me and Jenn.  My job at Google is a huge gift and wholly undeserved.  I learned that we have amazing health insurance, and I've had to pay very little out of pocket through my various medications and medical procedures.  I'm blessed to have access to nutritious food at work.  (I also have access to a lot of junk food and desserts, but that's a different story, haha.)  I have coworkers who have been incredibly encouraging and supportive during my medical leave.  I'm blessed to have several Christian coworkers who encourage me with prayer and Scripture even in the work setting.
  
  God's blessed us with a home that we love.  By His grace we haven't had to do much to maintain it so far.  He's given us neighbors that we're forming relationships and even friendships with.
  
  I'm blessed with a wonderful church with wise and shepherding pastors and elders.  Jenn and I could not have gotten through this year without the support of our church family.  They have offered us shoulders to cry on, constant prayer, and have given us wise counsel.
  
  Even beyond our church family, I'm blessed to have the prayers of so many friends (and friends of friends).  It's so encouraging to hear from people I haven't seen for months (or even years), telling me that they're thinking and praying for me often.  I'm so grateful for those people that truly realize that prayer is powerful and that God uses those prayers in a mysterious way.

I'm not sure what 2016 holds, but I'm reminded that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  Just as He proved Himself to be good and faithful during this past challenging year, I can trust that He will continue to do so in the upcoming year.  I'm grateful that I start 2016 with my cancer in remission, but I'm also painfully aware that this is not the end of my cancer journey.  Maintenance chemo will begin in a few weeks, followed by regular tests to see when the cancer comes back.  

I may not update this blog as regularly as things will hopefully be relatively uneventful for a while.  Nonetheless, only God knows what's in store for me.  In the meantime, I'll walk by faith and not by sight.

Happy new year, everyone!

Some good news

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-health/wp/2015/12/02/for-multiple-myeloma-community-a-november-to-remember/

Exciting.  Keep praying for myeloma researchers and that God would allow them to discover a cure!

-b

Day 30!

It has been 30 days since my transplant, and that means ... I'm FREE!  A bunch of restrictions get lifted today.  I'm able to leave the house without a mask (though I still have to wear it in hospital settings), and I no longer have to follow my low microbial diet (though I have to avoid raw meat/fish for another month).

I feel like I should be more introspective on the process, but at the moment I'm just grateful for my health and for being able to enjoy some independence.  I'm grateful for the prayers of friends and family and the love of my wife who took care of me.  More than anything, I'm grateful for God's sustaining grace.

I guess it's time to start trying to get back into a work mindset.  I'm excited, but I'm extremely nervous since I've been out for so long.  The plan is to go back on 12/7, pending confirmation from my doctor that that's a good idea.

-b

Post-Transplant Day 16

Today is another momentous day.  I had my last appointment at the Stanford ITA (Infusion Treatment Area)!  My white blood cell count is 4.9 K/uL (the normal range is 4 - 11).  My platelets were also high enough where they're confident I won't need a blood transfusion, so they removed my central venous catheter.  This means no more covering myself in saran wrap before showering, no more flushing the lines every night and changing the dressing every week, and it means I can finally go back to sleeping on my stomach.  :)

I have a follow-up appointment after Day 30 with my Bone Marrow Transplant doctor.  He'll review everything and ultimately see whether I'm fit to go back to work.

In the meantime, I'm still on my strict low microbial diet, and I still can't leave the house without my mask, but praise God for getting me through thus far.  I'm feeling pretty strong, though still tired from time to time.  I'm eager to go back to work, but I'm going to spend the time I have off focusing on recovery.

Thanks for the continued prayers!

I've engrafted!

My stem cells have engrafted.  Praise God!  This means I'm no longer neutropenic (when you don't have enough stem cells to fight off infection).  As a result, they disconnected me from the fanny pack of hydration that I had to carry around everyone.  Additionally, I no longer have daily trips to Stanford.  My next appointment is on Wednesday where they will remove my catheter if my platelets are high enough.  

They say that while I have a functional immune system, it's very young, like a baby's.  I'm still on the low microbial diet for another ~20 days, but it should mean that the worst of things is over.

God is good!

Post Transplant Day 9

Just a quick update - I'm still neutropenic, meaning I'm still at risk of not being able to fight off infections.  My white blood cell counts turned up today though, so hopefully in the next few days I'll be on the mends.  They also said that next week I might be able to switch to MWF appointments instead of daily appointments.  Fingers crossed!

Healthwise I still feel pretty good.  The sores on my head are getting better, and my stomach - while still unsettled - isn't causing me intense pain.  Praise God!