It's begun ...

The hair is falling out, haha.  It's not too noticeable yet, but this is what I see whenever I run my fingers through my hair.

Once my hair gets patchy, I'll shave it off.  I'm not worried about shaving my head, but I do know I don't have the head shape to pull it off well.  Sadly, I don't think I can pull off hats either.  We'll see.  ;)

-b

Lots of stem cells

Praise God, it turns out they were able to collect stem cells today.  More than that, they collected a super abundance of stem cells!  They were looking to collect 4 (not sure what unit) of stem cells, but they collected 13.4!  Praise God.  This means I don't have to go back later this week for follow-up collections.

I guess I just wait now to find out when the next rounds of chemo are and the actual transplant.  I should find out sometime this week.  In the meantime, I'm going to celebrate a few days of freedom!

-b

Huzzah!

So my white blood cell count jumped from .6 yesterday to 4-point-something today.  This means a few things:

• I no longer have to follow the low-microbial diet (until the chemo before the transplant).  Woohoo!
• I can go outside (though I have to wear a mask in crowded places).  Woohoo!
• I don't have to take antibiotics anymore (until after the transplant).  Woohoo!
• I can go to Stanford tomorrow where they'll actually determine if I have enough stem cells to begin collection.  If I do, they'll do a collection tomorrow and for subsequent days until they've collected enough.

Praise God!

Waiting

So I'm waiting for my white blood cell count to go up to 3.  Apparently it crashes to near zero before bouncing back up.  Once it goes up to about 3 or so, they think you have enough stem cells for collection.

My bones started hurting today.  Apparently that's a sign that the drugs are working (the bone marrow produces so many stem cells that it starts leeching into the blood, causing the pain).  It's not very fun, but tylenol seems to be helping!

-b

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

As an emo teen full of angst, I remember clinging to the words often repeated by youth group leaders and Sunday school teachers.  "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  

There were a lot of things I didn't like about myself; I was always the shortest one in the room, I had really bad skin, I was never very athletic, and the list went on and on.  Intellectually, I knew that God had planned out exactly how I would be from before time began.  I knew in my head that God didn't make mistakes, and yet there were countless tears shed wishing that I could be just a little taller, just a little more outgoing, just a little different.

I don't know when I finally came to accept the man that God has made me to be, but I do know that eventually I had to concede that God is omniscient and makes no mistakes.  He has given me exactly what I need to fulfill His good purposes for me.

This is true of my cancer as well.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I constantly questioned why I was 'defective'.  For the past several years, I strove to live a healthy, active life, so it was a bit hard to accept that I had cancer.  And yet, even with cancer I know that the words of Psalm 139:13-16 are true.  I am wonderfully and fearfully made, cancer and all.  I don't fully know how God is using this cancer for His purposes, but I will continue to cling to the fact that He is a good and wonderful Creator.

Purpose

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord , endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:8

When I go to see my Bone Marrow Transplant Doctor at Stanford, I'm always asked to fill out a questionnaire beforehand.  The questions range are general ones about my current health and mental state.  One question always stands out though.  I'm asked to rate how true the following statement is both before my diagnosis and today: My life is meaningful and full of purpose.

It's an interesting question, and I know why they need to ask it.  Cancer seems to put the brakes on any sort of plans you had for your life.  Prior to my diagnosis, Jenn and I were going down the road of adoption.  I felt that my purpose at that time was to put all my time and energy into that process as we prepared to start a family.

After the shock of the cancer diagnosis wore off, I did go through periods of questioning what my purpose now was.  Since the adoption process had to be on hold, my life did feel a bit empty.  I thank God that He didn't allow me to sit in that pit of despair for too long, especially since so many people struggle with this lack of purpose, as the Stanford questionnaire would indicate.

Over the past few months, God has been reminding me of His purposes for me.  There are the obvious purposes that haven't changed with the diagnosis - He desires that I be a loving husband, a productive member of my local church, and a good steward of all the good gifts and responsibilities He's entrusted me with.  Furthermore, God's purpose is for me to mature and to become more like Christ (Phil 1:6).  Through my journey with cancer, He is fulfilling those purposes to strengthen my faith and produce perseverance (James 1:2-4)

There are, however, purposes that God has for me that are not immediately obvious.  Words that He would have me say at an opportune time, people He would have me meet, things He would have me do.  I don't fully know what God's purpose for me is, but I found comfort in reading Psalm 138:8 today.  God will fulfill all His purposes for me.  This means that God will leave me here on earth until everything He has wanted me to do has been fulfilled.

How comforting to know that when my life on earth is done, God will have kept his promise to fulfill all of His purposes for me.  How humbling it is to be used by the King of Kings for His good purposes.

No more IV!

I have to say that carrying around a rolling backpack full of fluids has been the hardest part of the past few days.  The thing is just unwieldy, not to mention you also have to keep it plugged in so the battery doesn't die.  This makes it challenging to use the restroom at night as you have to reorient yourself, unplug the backpack, wheel the thing around obstacles to do your business, and then fumble around again to try to plug the thing in the dark while not electrocuting yourself.

Anyway, today I turned in the backpack!  I put on ten pounds of water weight in two days.  (And it's definitely all water weight since I ate pretty much nothing due to the nausea.)  I feel pretty bloated.  :)

Praise God I'm feeling my appetite pick back up, and I think the anti-nausea meds are working.  All in all, it's been a good day!

-b

Chemo update

Wow, so chemo knocked me out yesterday.  I was pretty dizzy and nauseous, but praise God I didn't vomit.  I only ate a brownie and a slice of pizza yesterday due to the nausea, but I'm feeling much better this morning!  The nurses said I ended the session in much better shape than most patients, so I'm grateful for that.

I'm also super grateful that I'll get to turn in my iv pump today.  It's been a pain wheeling that around everywhere, especially at night when the fluids make me use the restroom every hour.  :)

Thanks for your continued prayers and encouragement!

-b

It's happening!

Hello, friends!  I know I had promised to write more, but I never seem to find the will to sit down and post.  Here are some scattered updates.  Hopefully future posts will be more organized!

• It all begins tomorrow!  Tomorrow I go in to get my chest catheter installed.
• I took a catheter care class yesterday.  It sounds like the dressing gets bloody for the first week.  I'm not looking forward to that; blood (including my own) makes me squeamish.  Luckily, Jenn will be the one to change the dressing.  :)
• I'm a little worried about cleaning the catheter because if you forget to clamp it, it sounds like blood will pour out like a faucet.  Oy.
• Speaking of the catheter, I didn't realize how bulky they are.  (See the below image).  I'm a little worried about how I'll sleep since I often sleep on my chest.  That will take some getting used to.  I'm also worried about it getting snagged and pulling on the stitches.  I guess I won't be doing anything too physically strenuous, so it shouldn't be an issue.

• You're also not supposed to get your catheter wet (they're concerned about mold growing on it).  Surprisingly, they recommend Glad Press'n Seal wrap that you can use to cover it when you shower.  Who knew?
• Tomorrow they'll also hook me up to a portable IV.  They need me hydrated because the chemo the following day can irritate your bladder, so they want you flushing frequently.  When I go in for chemo, they'll also give me some drugs that will make me have to urinate every ten minutes.  Oh boy.  :)
• Tomorrow is also my last day before health precautions go into effect (no eating out, no going into public without my hepa filter mask, no leaving the windows open in the house, no gardening, eating only a low microbial diet, etc.)
• I happened to check my work email yesterday.  Apparently my group has been re-orged, and I now have a new manager.  It should be really interesting when I get back to work!

People ask me if I'm ready for everything.  Hrm.  I feel ready, but I'm also worried that I haven't given this enough thought.  Perhaps that's the grace of God though so I don't worry.  After going through the various preparatory classes, there are lots of potential side effects from all of the drugs and various procedures.  I won't list all those now, but it would be easy to look at all those things and despair.  I'm grateful though that God is the all-knowing Creator who knows my body inside and out.  He's in control, and I have no need to worry.

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

    his understanding is unsearchable.

29 

He gives power to the faint,

    and to him who has no might he increases strength.

30 

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

31 

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint.

-Isaiah 40:28-31

Things are happening

Hi friends,

Sorry for the lapse in posting again, but I hope to post more regularly as there's more going on.  At a high level, I finished my 6th round of chemo, and I showed a good enough response to the treatment such that they recommended moving forward with my autologous stem cell transplant.  Praise God for Google - I started my 3-month short-term medical leave this week.

Next week, I'll be getting a chest catheter placed, will have a round of chemo, and will start injecting myself with drugs to stimulate stem cell production.  The injections will continue for a couple of weeks before the levels are high enough for a collection.  From there, I'll have hardcore chemo (Melphalan) before they give me my collected stem cells back to rescue my immune system.

Sounds pretty simple, though I'll be immuno-compromised for much of the time, so I'll be spending most of my days at home.

Anyway, I hope to post more in the days to come.  In the meantime, I'm grateful for many things:

• I have this week to enjoy my health/freedom.
• Jenn and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary this past Friday!
• My coworkers gave me a care package with dinosaur stickers, a dinosaur puzzles, and various things to do while I'm home or at various appointments at Stanford.
• Many people have offered to take me to appointments and/or stay with me since I'll need a 24/7 caretaker for much of the time.  I feel very blessed.
• I got to hang out with a bunch of my high school friends and their kiddos.
• I got a note from my insurance provider saying I was paying much less for my chemo drugs than I should have been.  Since it was their error though, they said they wouldn't bill me for the past six months, but that I would be paying the correct amount going forward.  The nice thing is that I should hopefully be done with the oral chemo for a while, so praise God for His provision even through the clerical error!

More soon!

-b