Thank you!

Someone bought me a beanie, but I'm not sure who (there wasn't an invoice / note).  If it was you, my bald head and I thank you!

It's begun ...

The hair is falling out, haha.  It's not too noticeable yet, but this is what I see whenever I run my fingers through my hair.

Once my hair gets patchy, I'll shave it off.  I'm not worried about shaving my head, but I do know I don't have the head shape to pull it off well.  Sadly, I don't think I can pull off hats either.  We'll see.  ;)

-b

Lots of stem cells

Praise God, it turns out they were able to collect stem cells today.  More than that, they collected a super abundance of stem cells!  They were looking to collect 4 (not sure what unit) of stem cells, but they collected 13.4!  Praise God.  This means I don't have to go back later this week for follow-up collections.

I guess I just wait now to find out when the next rounds of chemo are and the actual transplant.  I should find out sometime this week.  In the meantime, I'm going to celebrate a few days of freedom!

-b

Huzzah!

So my white blood cell count jumped from .6 yesterday to 4-point-something today.  This means a few things:

• I no longer have to follow the low-microbial diet (until the chemo before the transplant).  Woohoo!
• I can go outside (though I have to wear a mask in crowded places).  Woohoo!
• I don't have to take antibiotics anymore (until after the transplant).  Woohoo!
• I can go to Stanford tomorrow where they'll actually determine if I have enough stem cells to begin collection.  If I do, they'll do a collection tomorrow and for subsequent days until they've collected enough.

Praise God!

Waiting

So I'm waiting for my white blood cell count to go up to 3.  Apparently it crashes to near zero before bouncing back up.  Once it goes up to about 3 or so, they think you have enough stem cells for collection.

My bones started hurting today.  Apparently that's a sign that the drugs are working (the bone marrow produces so many stem cells that it starts leeching into the blood, causing the pain).  It's not very fun, but tylenol seems to be helping!

-b

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. -Psalm 139:13-16

As an emo teen full of angst, I remember clinging to the words often repeated by youth group leaders and Sunday school teachers.  "You are fearfully and wonderfully made."  

There were a lot of things I didn't like about myself; I was always the shortest one in the room, I had really bad skin, I was never very athletic, and the list went on and on.  Intellectually, I knew that God had planned out exactly how I would be from before time began.  I knew in my head that God didn't make mistakes, and yet there were countless tears shed wishing that I could be just a little taller, just a little more outgoing, just a little different.

I don't know when I finally came to accept the man that God has made me to be, but I do know that eventually I had to concede that God is omniscient and makes no mistakes.  He has given me exactly what I need to fulfill His good purposes for me.

This is true of my cancer as well.  When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I constantly questioned why I was 'defective'.  For the past several years, I strove to live a healthy, active life, so it was a bit hard to accept that I had cancer.  And yet, even with cancer I know that the words of Psalm 139:13-16 are true.  I am wonderfully and fearfully made, cancer and all.  I don't fully know how God is using this cancer for His purposes, but I will continue to cling to the fact that He is a good and wonderful Creator.

Purpose

"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord , endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands." Psalm 138:8

When I go to see my Bone Marrow Transplant Doctor at Stanford, I'm always asked to fill out a questionnaire beforehand.  The questions range are general ones about my current health and mental state.  One question always stands out though.  I'm asked to rate how true the following statement is both before my diagnosis and today: My life is meaningful and full of purpose.

It's an interesting question, and I know why they need to ask it.  Cancer seems to put the brakes on any sort of plans you had for your life.  Prior to my diagnosis, Jenn and I were going down the road of adoption.  I felt that my purpose at that time was to put all my time and energy into that process as we prepared to start a family.

After the shock of the cancer diagnosis wore off, I did go through periods of questioning what my purpose now was.  Since the adoption process had to be on hold, my life did feel a bit empty.  I thank God that He didn't allow me to sit in that pit of despair for too long, especially since so many people struggle with this lack of purpose, as the Stanford questionnaire would indicate.

Over the past few months, God has been reminding me of His purposes for me.  There are the obvious purposes that haven't changed with the diagnosis - He desires that I be a loving husband, a productive member of my local church, and a good steward of all the good gifts and responsibilities He's entrusted me with.  Furthermore, God's purpose is for me to mature and to become more like Christ (Phil 1:6).  Through my journey with cancer, He is fulfilling those purposes to strengthen my faith and produce perseverance (James 1:2-4)

There are, however, purposes that God has for me that are not immediately obvious.  Words that He would have me say at an opportune time, people He would have me meet, things He would have me do.  I don't fully know what God's purpose for me is, but I found comfort in reading Psalm 138:8 today.  God will fulfill all His purposes for me.  This means that God will leave me here on earth until everything He has wanted me to do has been fulfilled.

How comforting to know that when my life on earth is done, God will have kept his promise to fulfill all of His purposes for me.  How humbling it is to be used by the King of Kings for His good purposes.