Christ and Suffering

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/fuller/2015/04/our-fear-of-good-friday/

I'll admit that I don't fully know how to process my cancer.  In many ways, my diagnosis has created a disconnect within myself.  On the one hand, I've seen the goodness of God more clearly than before the news of my cancer.  I've seen that this cancer has brought me closer to God, to my wife, to my friends and family.  I've seen this increase my faith and strengthen my prayer life.  I've seen God provide me with unique opportunities to talk about my faith with people I never would have in the past.

And yet, every once in a while, a wave of sadness will wash over me.  I won't even see it coming sometimes.  On Sunday I started crying during Sunday School as Derek taught on the Psalms.  One morning this week I was just struck with the sorrow of having cancer.  When the sorrow comes, I honestly don't know what to do with it.  In my head I know that feeling sorrow is okay; I see that throughout Scripture.  The Psalmist mourns and pleads for justice and vindication.  Job brings his pain and questioning before God.  Even Jesus Christ himself weeps over the death of Lazarus.  Being broken before God is no sin.

But every time I start to mourn and feel sad, I have to stop myself.  For me, the sadness makes me feel incredibly ungrateful.  What happened to all of those great things that God has been doing in the midst of this cancer?  Aren't all of those things undeserved gifts from God?  Surely I don't deserve better than cancer after rebelling against God time and time again.  On top of that, I look at so many Christians that are going through even greater trials than my own.  I have dear friends that have young children with cancer.  I have friends that have recently miscarried.  Others are dealing with cancers much more painful than my own.  The persecuted Church around the world is facing great persecution in order to follow Christ.  In light of all of that, who right do I have to feel sorrow?

In his article, "Our Fear of Good Friday", Michael Wright comments about someone needing to tell him "don't use the suffering of others to dismiss your own."  He's right, of course.  God gives each of us our own unique trials, but the trials of others do not diminish the seriousness of our own.

A dear brother met with me yesterday and asked a poignant question.  In trying to so quickly "look on the bright side" when the waves of sadness hit, is the real issue that I'm afraid of experiencing a depth of anguish?  Am I afraid to be broken before God?  Perhaps, but it's more complicated than that.

In high school and college, I struggled with depression which stemmed from insecurity and pride.  I would so often fall into pits of self-pity and questioning the goodness of God.  Why can't I have this?  Why can't I be like this person?  In hindsight, my thoughts and actions were just so incredibly sinful and self-centered.  By the grace of God, it hasn't been a struggle for several years, but I'm incredibly wary of falling into that dark pit again.  Part of the challenge of coming to terms with cancer and processing it emotionally is that I'm worried that once I start expressing pain and anguish to God, I might fall back into depression.  While this is a valid concern, I do recognize that I could be missing out on deepening my faith in Christ by not bringing my pain and sorrow before Him.

I'm so grateful for the example of Jesus Christ.  As Michael Wright points out, "On Good Friday, Christ himself experiences forsakenness and suffering that rends his body and threatens his trust in God."  Christ was in anguish in Gethsemane, and He suffered excruciatingly on the cross.  He laid all of that before His loving Father, even asking for the cup to pass from Him.  But ultimately, His unfailing faith allows Him to commit His spirit to God.

In the suffering of Christ, I find there is no shame in pain, sorrow, and anguish.  When I express those to Him, I'm expressing to one who can relate and empathize for He Himself suffered greatly.  It's easy to overlook Good Friday and simply celebrate Christ's victory over death on Easter, but Good Friday is worth celebrating, for it's on Good Friday that "the cross becomes an icon of suffering and a bedrock example of Christ's love."

Thank you, Jesus, for being the suffering servant, the sacrificial lamb, and the great high priest who sympathizes with our pain and weakness.