Rejoicing

Yesterday my friends, Jesse and Peony, got married.  I had the true privilege of being one of Jesse's groomsmen.  If I'm being honest, I wasn't quite sure how I'd handle being in a wedding so soon after being diagnosed with cancer.  While I've seen the goodness of God in so many ways over the past several weeks, I can't say that I've been in a very celebratory mood.

Yet, over the course of the day yesterday, God reminded me of two things:

• God is unbelievably good and faithful
• It is God's grace to me in allowing me to rejoice with those who are rejoicing

The story of Jesse and Peony's journey up to their wedding day is truly a testimony to the goodness and faithfulness of God.  They endured great trials during their courtship and engagement period, yet they never lost faith in God.  I will cut out many of the details, but God answered so many prayers yesterday - from generously providing the two of them a place to live literally the morning before the wedding, to God miraculously softening the heart of an immediate family member who decided to come (and participate in the ceremony) at the eleventh hour.

I spent some time yesterday thinking about what a challenging several months it's been for these friends of mine, but never did God leave or forsake them.  In the midst of trying times, God surrounded them with loving brothers and sisters that would uphold them in prayer.  He sustained them with grace upon grace and strengthened their belief that He was in control.  And, at the culmination of their journey, God lavishly rewarded their faithfulness.

Jesse and Peony's path to marriage gives me such hope for my ongoing battle with cancer.  First of all, I'm reminded that we all have trials.  While my trial may feel unique, God has told us in His Word that all Christians will suffer in this lifetime.  In the midst of persecution, Paul said that he was "afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair" (2 Cor 4:8).  He was not surprised when suffering came his way, for he saw that Christ was on display in his own, human weakness (2 Cor 4:11).  The apostle Peter echoes this sentiment.  He advises believers that instead of being surprised by suffering, they should rejoice in their trying circumstances, for trials will grow the believer's faith and glorify God (1 Peter 4:12-16).

Secondly, I've seen how blessed Jesse and Peony were to be surrounded by a loving church family during difficult times.  Over the past few weeks, I've experienced that same love and affection.  I've received countless letters, texts, emails, and hugs.  I've had friends bring over meals or just come over to be with me so I wouldn't be alone.  While having cancer sometimes feels isolating, I've never been alone with so many dear Christian brothers and sisters encouraging me and ministering to me.

Finally, I've gotten to see God's perfect timing on display in the lives of Jesse and Peony.  When we had all lost hope that the family member would have a change of heart and attend the wedding, God continued to work behind the scenes and the family member decided to come the day before the wedding.  When Jesse and Peony had to deal with disappointment after disappointment in looking for housing and even had to resort to looking at apartments at 8am the day of the wedding, God was busy preparing a place beyond what they could have asked for.  I don't claim that my trial will result in healing, but getting to share in Jesse and Peony's story reminds me that God is always at work, even when it seems that nothing is happening or when prayers seem to go unanswered.  God is always good, always faithful, and always in control.

As I reflected on all of this at the wedding yesterday, I could not help but rejoice with Jesse and Peony on their special day.  I rejoiced as God was glorified at joining a man and woman together in marriage.  I rejoiced as the gospel was proclaimed in the marriage ceremony yesterday.  I rejoiced in seeing Jesse and Peony surrounded by so many people who loved and supported them.  In rejoicing with them, I was reminded that even in times of sorrow, God graciously enables me to share in others' joy.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice.  (Philippians 4:4)

Heidelberg Catechism

Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own,1 but belong—body and soul, in life and in death2—to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.3

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,4 and has set me free from the tyranny of the devil.5 He also watches over me in such a way6 that not a hair can fall from my head without the will of my Father in heaven;7 in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.8

Because I belong to him, Christ, by his Holy Spirit, assures me of eternal life9 and makes me wholeheartedly willing and ready from now on to live for him.10

1 1 Cor. 6:19-20
2 Rom. 14:7-9
3 1 Cor. 3:23; Titus 2:14
4 1 Pet. 1:18-19; 1 John 1:7-9; 2:2
5 John 8:34-36; Heb. 2:14-15; 1 John 3:1-11
6 John 6:39-40; 10:27-30; 2 Thess. 3:3; 1 Pet. 1:5
7 Matt. 10:29-31; Luke 21:16-18
8 Rom. 8:28
9 Rom. 8:15-16; 2 Cor. 1:21-22; 5:5; Eph. 1:13-14
10 Rom. 8:1-17

MMRF

I don't know much about science and research, but the work that the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation is doing is pretty exciting: http://now.themmrf.org/

The New Normal

Sorry I haven't posted much lately.  Life is a bit strange at the moment.  After having my world turned upside down with the cancer diagnosis, it's a little unnerving how quickly I've adjusted to this new normal.

I'm feeling a bit conflicted.  Is it alright to feel complacent when I have a serious disease?  Should I be more concerned?  More angry?  More distraught?  Maybe this is just the grace of God that has enabled me to adjust to this new phase of life.

***

My friend, Todd, told me about a book by a Christian author who also was diagnosed with multiple myeloma at a relatively young age.  His book is entitled Rejoicing in Lament: Wrestling with Incurable Cancer and Life in Christ.  Here's a quick review I found on the book.  I hope to post my own review here once the book arrives and I finish reading it.

Chemo Day 1

I think I have a pill problem.  :)

Today was Day 1 of chemo!  The drug calendar is pretty complicated, but Fridays are the days I take way more pills than other days.  So far I'm feeling pretty good!  I also went to the infusion center to get a subcutaneous injection of another drug (they shoot it through my belly).  It was a pretty quick process though, so praise God for that!

Flowchart Prayers

"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." (1 John 5:14-15)

As a young child in Sunday School, I was taught that God hears all of our prayers and answers each one.  He either answers our petitions with a "yes", "no", or a "not now".  As I got older, I was taught that God would give us everything we asked for, so long as it was in His will.  This made sense to me intuitively; if our prayers intersected with something God willed to do anyway, of course He would grant us those requests.  The challenging aspect of prayer then becomes - how do we pray according to God's will since His thoughts are far above our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9) and we may not know what His will is?

At the start of this cancer journey, when blood tests first started hinting I might have cancer, I had a hard time praying.  My prayers went something like this:

"Dear God, if it be Your will, please don't let this be cancer!"
But, what if it is God's will for this to be cancer?" 

Ok, God.  If it's Your will that it is cancer, please let it be a cancer that's easily cured, if that be Your will."

Well, maybe God doesn't want my cancer to be curable so I would trust Him more.  You don't know that's His will." 

God, if it's somehow Your will that I have cancer and Your will that it not be curable, please at least give me a relatively long life where I'm feeling healthy ... if that be Your will." 

What if that's not God's will either?

 On and on I'd go, and my prayers became elaborate flow-chart / choose-your-own-adventure prayers - "If yes, great!  If no, please see my next prayer."  In an effort to pray according to God's will, my prayers began to feel disingenuous.  Was I really praying for painful, untreatable, terminal cancer if that was God's will?  At the same time, I felt guilty praying for full healing because I knew there were plenty of other things that were in God's will - that God would be glorified, that He would open opportunities to share the gospel, that my faith would grow.

I started seeking counsel from some godly brothers.  Was this really how God wanted us to pray?  In discussing it with them and thinking about it some more, here are some conclusions I've come to:

• It is not sinful to pray for the desires of your heart.  The psalmists prayed for deliverance and justice.  Hannah prayed for a child.  These are all prayers pleasing to God.  The psalmist even prays that God would give the people the desires of their heart (Psalm 20:4).
• However, our desires are to be continually transformed by the Spirit.  As we mature as Christians, our desires and affections shift away from the sinful, fleshly lusts and passions, and instead we long for the things of God.  As the psalmist mentions, as we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).  This again makes sense intuitively.  If we're longing for the things of God, He will give them to us because they are things that God would want for us.
• Praying according to God's will is an attitude and a posture; it does not require that we caveat each petition with an "if it be Your will".  This is the principle that was my big "aha" moment.  Most prayers in Scripture aren't requests with an "if it be Your will" disclaimer.  Saints of the Bible freely and boldly made their requests before God.  However, underlying each of those prayers was a spirit that was willing to yield to God's will.  We need to have the attitude and posture that Jesus did when he prayed on the Mount of Olives that the cup would pass from Him.  I'm convinced that His prayer would have been no less godly if He left it out, but I'm so grateful for the words of Christ when He said "nevertheless, not My will but Yours be done" (Luke 22:41-42)

It's in light of this that I continue to pray boldly and unashamedly for complete healing.  I pray that the chemo treatment would be effective and even super-effective in killing all the cancer cells.  I pray that researchers would discover a cure or a blockbuster drug that I would be able to benefit from.  I pray that God would miraculously just take the cancer away.  

And yet, while I pray boldly for these things, I recognize that this may not be in God's plan for me; and that's okay.  This will not stop me for heart's longing for complete healing; nevertheless, not my will but His be done.

(PS, I'm planning to start chemo tomorrow, so please pray that the treatment would be effective and bring about healing.  Thanks!)

-b

Idols

We have been studying the Psalms in Sunday School.  We studied Psalm 130 this past week and in the midst of crying out for mercy and deliverance, the psalmist reflects on the forgiveness that can only come from God.

It seems a bit odd, doesn't it?  In the midst of immense trial, why would the psalmist be thinking about forgiveness?

There's something unique about Christians in the face of trials.  I believe most unbelievers face trials thinking, "Why me?" or, "What did I do to deserve this?"  That's not to say that Christians don't struggle with those thoughts too; in fact, I've wondered those same things.  Christians, however, don't let their thoughts stay there.  In the midst of trials, the Christian is being refined as gold in the midst of fire.  It's through trials that God identifies idols in the Christian's life and starts tearing them down.

God's been showing me all the idols I've erected and placed above God.  I've valued comfort and ease.  I've let my own plans of what I want my future to look like come before considering what God would have in store for me.  I thought I "deserved" to have an easy life with a good job, nice home, big family.  I valued the sense of control that I thought I had over my future, and I thought I knew what was best for me.

It's not until God shows that He has different plans that you realize that we've come to worship those desires.  It's not until God starts taking away things that we realize we've turned His good gifts into gods.

I received an incredibly thought-provoking and challenging email from a dear brother.  He said this:

"But wisely he's instead using the road bumps of this brief life to expose how feeble our affections and many our idols are. And this is a mercy, though as accustomed as we are to thinking of this life as primary, we think it cruel. When, in fact, it's as generous as a vaccination that comes with temporary discomfort, or a nasty stomach pumping to save us from poison we've ingested. He wants us to truly live abundantly fully satisfied in him, rather than live self-satisfied under the illusion of abundance."

Having our idols torn down is painful.  It would be easy to think that God is just being cruel in sending us pain and hardship.  And yet, as my dear brother pointed out, this is in fact the mercy of God.  God knows that our spiritual health is of far greater importance than our physical health.  To heal us of the sin and idolatry that plagues us, He must tear down those idols.  He must make us realize that He alone satisfies.  The things that we value in this life - health, family, possessions - they will all pass away.  The soul that treasures Christ above all invests is storing up treasures in heaven.  He is not shaken when his earthly treasures are taken from him, for he knows that those things will not satisfy.  He realizes that the momentary light afflictions of this life will result in glory beyond comparison (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).

I'm amazed at the perspective of Job.  After having lost everything, he comments that "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord" (Job 1:21) and "shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?" (Job 2:10).  Job was at peace when God took away his possessions, his family members, and his health, for those things were no idols to him.  Job knew that God alone was his treasure, and He alone deserved praise.

I'm still feeling the sting of having these idols identified and torn down, but this truly is a gift of mercy.  God is showing me that He is to be treasured above all else, and He alone is sufficient.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.

"The man who has God for his treasure has all things in One.  Many ordinary treasures may be denied him, or if he is allowed to have them, the enjoyment of them will be so tempered that they will never be necessary to his happiness.  Or if he must see them go, one after one, he will scarecly feel a sense of loss, for having the Source of all things he has in One all satisfaction, all pleasure, all delight.  Whatever he may lose he has actually lost nothing, for he now has it all in One, and he has it purely, legitimately and forever." (A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God)

-b

Healthy

I think the most frequent comment I get from people who see me after finding out about my diagnosis is, "You look so healthy!"  I can't blame them.  I feel healthy.  I guess that's the funny thing about cancer; what you look like on the outside doesn't change the reality on the inside.  The same is true of our spiritual condition.  We may appear to be good people to anyone who sees us, but it doesn't change the fact that the sin inside us puts us at odds with a holy God.

While people may fail to recognize their spiritual condition, at some point the sin inside us deserves to be punished.  For Christians, that sin was punished when Christ endured the full wrath of God on the cross.  For those that don't repent, those sins will be punished on the last day.  Friends, don't let the outward appearance of being a good person and feeling that God approves of you blind you from the reality that you need cleansing on the inside.  Reach out to me if you have questions or want to know more.

*****

I was feeling rather down today.  I found myself questioning why God would allow this.  I found myself angry at the cancer inside me.  I felt overwhelmed by the road ahead.  Just when I started feeling alone and trapped in my thoughts, I received an email from the pastor at the church where I grew up.  He, too, battled cancer, and he just shared that the whole church staff is praying for me regularly.  This was yet another reminder that God loves and cares for me.  He brings the right people at the right time to give me just what I need.  Some may chalk that up to coincidence; I instead view it as further proof of the goodness of God.

Music

Hi friends, I've had too many thoughts as of late, and it's actually pretty draining trying to put them all into words.

I met with Stanford yesterday, and I will be beginning chemo shortly (probably early next week).  The doctors confirmed that multiple myeloma is not yet safely curable.  (It's curable in rare cases that bone marrow transplants from other donors take, but there's huge risks of life-threatening complications from that procedure where most of the time the risks outweigh the benefits).

There are reasons to hope though:

• Blood cancer research (and myeloma, in particular) has seen massive strides in the past several years.  My doctor said that even 6 months ago different treatment was being prescribed, and now they have something found to be more effective.  There's the hope that while they're trying to maintain the cancer, a new game-changing drug or treatment comes out.  
• The fact that I'm young and basically asymptomatic (I'm slightly anemic) are things that will hopefully work in my favor in how I will respond to treatment.  It also gives me more options for treatment down the line that other, older patients may not have available to them.
• They say this first round of maintenance treatment (which should last 6-8 months) will have minimal side-effects.  I'm told I should be able to live life pretty normally.  I won't have to be in the hospital (except for a weekly shot), I should be able to go to work, and I can even try to stay active (though I need to avoid things that put a lot of strain on my bones; running is okay though)

I'm feeling okay about things, I think.  I mean, it's hard to know what I'm feeling.  I wish I could put things into words for you all, but my brain feels like jello.  Here are some songs that have captured my thoughts recently.

Snowboarding

So I told the Facebook world that I have myeloma.  I thought I was ready to make that announcement; I had come to a place where I was no longer overly anxious, and I was even thankful to God for the myeloma in many respects.  And yet, last night was a bit of a struggle.  Somehow telling an extended group of people made this all too real.  I have cancer.

I have cancer, and people are worried sick.  I have cancer, and people are looking for ways to help ease the stress and pain of the diagnosis.  I have cancer, and people are telling me about treatment options and experimental studies.  I have cancer, and people are telling me stories of their own friends and loved ones' cancer journeys.

I think the reality and gravity of it all is sinking in; no matter how healthy I'm feeling, I have cancer.

People have been commenting on how encouraging it is that I seem to be handling things so well.  While I'd like to say that I've fully processed the situation and am fully at peace, the reality is that there are parts of each day that are a struggle.  Yesterday night was one of those times.  I have to admit that I didn't heed my own advice.  I tried to find stories of people with lots of success with myeloma, and I found myself trying to put more hope in that than in God.  I spent more time reading blogs and studies than I spent in the Word.  I tried to find more comfort in others than from the God of all comfort.

It was disheartening to have experienced what felt like a lapse in faith.  That's not to say that I don't trust God through this, nor is it to say that I doubt His goodness.  On the contrary, I believe those things even more than I did when I was first diagnosed (see my first blog post).  I am just learning that being scared and sad and overwhelmed at times will be part of this journey, and that I can feel those emotions while still keeping the faith.

Over the course of my life, I've heard countless stories of Christians that have undergone overwhelming trials but only praised God through it all.  Their faith seemed so unshakeable, and their joy in the midst of suffering was apparent for all to see.  There have been times over the past week where I wondered why I couldn't be like that.  Why do I have moments of doubt?  Why do I have times of sorrow?

I realized something though.  Those Christians - whose faith and testimony have been such a huge blessing to me - had to grow in their faith.  It's through the trials that God increased their faith and drew them closer to Himself.

I think it's a bit like snowboarding.  The first time I went snowboarding, I would observe everyone going down the mountain.  I would picture myself going through the same motions and figured it would be easy.  When it came to my first ride down the mountain, I was disappointed the first time I fell.  And then I fell again, and again, and again.  At one point I was in a ditch and couldn't get myself out, and I sat there frustrated that I couldn't be like everyone else on that mountain that could ride with such ease.

Though I never saw it, I know that everyone fell in learning to snowboard.  They all learned how to deal with the bumps and bruises.  I just see the end product, but it was a journey getting to competence.

I'm slowly learning the same is true in dealing with these difficult trials.  I can look at some dear saints that have endured way more than I ever will and be in awe of their faith, but I'm looking at the product of years of God growing, stretching, and refining them.

I'm disappointed and discouraged that my faith is so weak, but I'm learning that God is not done.  Through the trials to come, he will continue to grow and refine me until I'm complete.  Oh what blessed hope!

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled? 

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand. 

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress. 

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. 

“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

("How Firm A Foundation", John Keith) 

Backstory

I realized that I haven't told the full story of how I got diagnosed with cancer.  I should actually write it down for posterity's sake, as it's yet another testament to the grace and goodness of God.  More than that, the backstory is important because it shows that God didn't give me cancer on a whim.  No, God had ordained to give me cancer from before I was formed in the womb.  God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  Not only has He been planning for this, but He's also been preparing me for the cancer diagnosis, just as I know that He's preparing me for the tough road ahead.

Jenn and I have wanted kids for a while (I've wanted to be a father in my bachelorhood), but for whatever reason, that hasn't been part of God's plan so far.  It's been discouraging not being able to conceive, but we also knew that adoption was an avenue we could explore.  We both were interested in adoption, but we didn't really know what the process entailed.

Over time, Jenn's cousin adoption an amazing little boy from Korea (we love him so much!) and we began to give adoption a lot more thought.  We started asking more questions about the process, and we realized that it wasn't as intimidating as we thought.  Probably about six months ago, we decided to formally start the adoption process.  Around the same time, God brought a new associate pastor to our church, and he had two adopted boys of his own.  It became more and more apparent that God was leading us down the path to adoption.

For the past several months, we've been gathering all the documents we need for the process (and there are a ton).  We got fingerprinted, requested new birth and marriage certificates, and I even applied for my first passport!

One of the docs that I was not looking forward to getting is a bill of health signed by my doctor.  To me, this document was the biggest hassle.  I hadn't been to the doctor since high school, so I would first have to find a doctor.  To be honest, I had no idea how to choose a doctor.  I basically tried to find reviews of doctors (most were all highly rated), so I just tried to find one that seemed pretty young.

I went to the doctor on New Year's Eve.  The doctor's visit itself wasn't bad.  It's not that I ever feared going to the doctor; I hadn't been to the doctor since high school mainly out of laziness.  I didn't want to find a doctor, and I thought it would be a hassle to gather my old medical records to send to my new doctor (little did I realize that it's all electronic.  Yay, technology!).

As I mentioned, the checkup was very routine (though they did have me wear some strange disposable shorts.  I asked around to see if this was common, but none of my friends ever had to wear disposable shorts during a checkup.  They're not convinced I saw an actual doctor.)  Dr. Perkins said I seemed very healthy.  When I gave him the adoption form to sign, he realized I would need bloodwork done, so he sent me to labs for a blood test.

A few days later, he reached out to say the blood test came back fine and that he would sign the form.  I showed up with a notary (every adoption form has to be notarized; it's pretty painful), and he signs off.  As I'm preparing to go, he mentioned that while the bloodwork mostly looked good, he did want to run another test since my blood protein level seemed high.  No big deal, I thought.  The doctor didn't seem too worried, so I said goodbye to the notary, and I went to labs again for another blood test.

Those tests came back a few days later, and the doctor said that the blood protein levels were high again.  At this point, I'm wondering what the cause could be.  I did some Google searches and it seemed that it could be anything - from pregnancy, to an STD, to cancer, to nutrition issues ... I didn't have enough information to really know what was going on, so I didn't worry too much.

Dr. Perkins then prescribed an electrophoresis protein test to determine what type of protein was in my blood.  Eventually that test showed that I had paraproteins in my blood.  I was never good at science, but from my limited research, apparently paraproteins (in any amount) should not be in your blood.  I again Googled with this new test result and found that this most likely pointed to multiple myeloma.  The doctor confirmed this suspicion when he referred me to a hematologist/oncologist.

This is the part of the story when I began to worry.  How could I have cancer when I was feeling healthy?  On the other hand, they wouldn't refer me to an oncologist if they didn't have a concern that I had cancer, would they?  The days leading up to my appointment with the oncologist were some of the most stressful days I've ever experienced.  At this point, I was still keeping things from Jenn.  She knew that I had protein in my blood, and she knew I was seeing a blood doctor, but I didn't tell her that from my research I suspected cancer.

Yet, even in this time, God was really good.  I emailed some close Christian brothers and asked for prayer and encouragement.  I also emailed my uncle (who is a pharmacist) on what I should ask my oncologist.

The oncologist was very nice.  He asked me about my health over the past few months and checked my lymph nodes.  He said we would need to run a bunch of tests to figure out if there's an issue, but based on my health, he told me he didn't think it was myeloma and didn't think I had much to worry about.

Next came all the tests - first I had to do a whole battery of blood tests.  I also had to collect urine for 24 hours so they could measure the amount of protein in my urine.  Those tests came back and showed that I was anemic and still had protein in my blood and urine.  Next they ordered a full skeletal x-ray to see if there were any bone lesions or fractures.  They also ordered a CT scan to see if my lymph nodes in my chest and abdomen were okay.

In the middle of all of this, I was supposed to attend my buddy's bachelor party.  Here again I saw God's goodness.  I wanted to go support my friend, but I also knew I was not in a good mental state.  I didn't want to be a wet blanket and put a damper on the celebration of his upcoming marriage.  At 5pm on the Friday we were to drive down to LA, my oncologist calls me to say that both the CT scan and the X-ray came back clean.  He again mentioned that he expected whatever I had to be treatable and curable, so I was able to go to the bachelor party upbeat, optimistic, and with renewed hope.

The bachelor party was such a blessing.  In addition to celebrating my friend's upcoming wedding, I also received much prayer and encouragement from other guys with me.  I shared my fears about my diagnosis, and they helped shoulder the burden and lifted me up in prayer.

I got back from the bachelor party on Sunday night, and the next day had a bone marrow biopsy scheduled.  The bone marrow biopsy was not very fun, though the pain was actually pretty bearable.  I will spare you the details though.  Two days after the biopsy, I was at my parents' home after work when I notice a voicemail.  It was my oncologist asking me to call him on his cell phone, and that's when I received the diagnosis which would change my life.

Looking back over that journey, God's fingerprints can be seen everywhere:

• God was very clearly moving us toward the adoption process in so many ways (not being able to conceive, having a close family member have such a positive experience with adoption, have a new pastor and his family with two adopted children move ~5 minutes away from us, etc)
• I would never have gone to the doctor if not for the adoption process (since I hadn't gone to the doctor in years and I was feeling healthy)
• God provided support and encouragement from various brothers at times when I needed it.
• God gave me good news right before the bachelor party.  I was debating whether I should even go until I received the news that the CT Scan and X-rays came back clean.
• It was through the bachelor party that I received probably more encouragement than the groom.
• When I received the diagnosis, I just happened to be at my parents' house.  This was an incredible gift from God.  I was able to get support and comfort from my mom, and it was okay to just break down.  If I received the news alone, I would have been utterly despondent and would not have known what to do.  If I received the news at home, I think Jenn would have been extremely alarmed and panicked at seeing me so distressed.  Praise God that my mom immediately pointed me to Christ, and I was able to come home and tell Jenn calmly and with the hope that only comes from God.

My cancer was not an unlucky accident; God was sovereignly at work every step of the way.  At the same time, God never gives us more than we can handle.  During the various points where I felt overwhelmed beyond belief, God provided friends or bits of good news to keep me afloat and trusting Him.  The journey leading up to the diagnosis is a big reason why I can trust Him now with the diagnosis fully known.  God has shown Himself to be in control, He's shown Himself to be faithful, and He's shown Himself to be good leading up to this point; I have no reason to doubt that He'll remain the same as I continue this journey.

Sunday Thoughts

Someone asked me today if my cancer is life-threatening.  I'm sure others are wondering that too.  The direct answer to that question is - I have no idea.  Before referring me to Stanford, my oncologist said he's very optimistic that I will respond well to treatment given what he knows of my current health.  He has even said that he's seen a few people cured of this type of cancer.   (Though, he's more a general blood cancer specialist and not specifically focused on myeloma.)  Nonetheless, multiple myeloma is a very serious cancer.  We all would like to know how long we have on this earth, but I would like to remind myself - and all of you - of the following:

• We are all born dying.  Death is a certainty, but none of us can know how long we have here on this earth.
• No amount of medicine or treatment can add to the number of days God has ordained for us.  At the same time, no cancer, disease, or tragedy can shorten the number of days God has ordained for us.  It may feel unsettling not having any control over the duration of our life, but I choose to view this as a comforting thing.  There is no need to fear as nothing is outside of God's control and His sovereign will.
• What may feel like a death sentence from a human perspective is not a death sentence for the one who can raise the dead.  (2 Corinthians 1:9)
• God has told us to number our days.  We are to live in accordance with the fact that our time here is limited.  (Psalm 90:12)

I do recognize that many of you will want to read up on the disease out of love and concern for me.  Thank you.  I would just advise discernment.  Will your reading about the disease cause you more anxiety and make it harder to trust God?  Will reading about the disease cause you to place your hope in the odds and statistics instead of in Christ?  Would your time be better spent in the Word and in prayer?

For myself, I realize that I'm not qualified to understand the unorganized mess of data that is out there.  I look forward to having a doctor use God-given knowledge gained through study and experience to explain what I can expect going forward.  I'm also grateful for those dear friends that can read up on the disease without getting too excited or too worried about my 'odds'; it's a blessing having some people with a better understanding of my condition.  (I'm so grateful that some of the GBF staff have read up on the disease a bit.)  Still, my desire is that most of you just spend any time you would have spent reading up on the disease in prayer and in the Word.  It's through those things that you will really be able to minister to me.

****

It was incredibly encouraging being with the saints at GBF today.  The love and concern people showed reduced me to a puddle of tears.  The elders all prayed for me as well which was humbling and encouraging.

I may have received more hugs today than I did on my wedding day.  Anyone who knows me decently well knows that I'm not the biggest fan of hugs.  Through this cancer, I think God is making me more 'okay' with hugs.  I'm learning that a hug can sometimes communicate things when words fail.  Still, if you come toward me with outstretched arms, I will still probably try to avoid you.  :)

If you're a believer that isn't plugged into a local church body, change that.  God designed us to be with other believers.  He's equipped believers with spiritual gifts that will benefit the saints.  He's commanded that we practice the one-anothers (love one another, forgive one another, confess your sins to one another, seek good for one another, etc.)  The church body will be there to rejoice with you in your joys, weep with you in your sorrows, and help bear your burdens.  If you're looking for a church to be a part of, I know of one in Sunnyvale with incredibly godly and loving saints.  Just sayin' ...

Friends

Jenn and I were talking yesterday about how our friends' different personalities have really come out when we've shared the news with them.

• Some friends thoughtfully try to meet our various practical needs.
• Some friends make us laugh and get our minds off of the fear and anxiety we're feeling.
• Some friends encourage us with stories of people they know that have been healed of cancer, reminding us that there is always hope.
• Some friends minister to us by talking to us frankly about cancer and death, showing us that they are things not to be feared.
• Some friends will interact with us just as they did before the diagnosis, giving us a sense of normalcy.
• Some friends will sit quietly and cry with us.

It seems that God brings us the right person to minister to us at the right time.  God knows when we need to laugh, and He knows when we need to cry.  The thing that all our believing friends have in common, though, is that they point us to Christ and remind us of the sovereignty of God.

Thanks to all our friends for all you've done.  You have no idea what a blessing you've been to me and Jenn.

Mornings

I don't know if I've always been a morning person or if I've been trained into one.  When I was growing up, we would wake up before 6am to get ready for school.  Since then, I seem to pop out of bed pretty easily on most mornings.  I honestly thought everyone was like that until I got married.  Jenn is sometimes barely functional in the mornings.  It's amusing to witness.

Since my diagnosis, nights have been difficult.  When I'm not sleeping (and praise God I've been sleeping fairly well given the circumstances), the weight and gravity of my condition is smothering.  Even when I'm intentionally not thinking about any of it, I feel the enormity of it all as I'm lying in bed.  It's honestly overwhelming from time to time.

More than that, you're very aware of your body lying in bed.  Am I feeling alright?  Do I feel different?  Is that pain in my back?  Are these signs that the cancer is progressing?  The questions start eating at you until you're crying to God in desperation for some peace.  And God listens and answers every time.  I either will find the sweetness of sleep, or I find the joy of a new morning.

I love the mornings.  Mornings are a reminder that God is in control, and He's brought about a new day.  They remind us that God is faithful, and He will bless us with mercies anew.  The warmth of the sun and the buzz of life around me confirms that I am blessed to be alive.

Thanks, God, for a new day.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5

The Magical Internet

When I first started thinking I had myeloma a couple of weeks ago, I tried to find out as much as I could about the disease.  It's incredible the amount of knowledge at our fingertips.  The challenge, however, is interpreting the knowledge.  I had no way of discerning what information was up-to-date or what information actually applied to me and my situation.  Honestly, all that information just seemed to cause me more anxiety.

I was talking to Tim yesterday, and I was convicted at how I was approaching things.  Couldn't those hours of reading article after article on the internet have been better spent on other things?  The Bible is God's divine revelation to us.  I believe that the Bible is sufficient for anything that comes up in life, including cancer.  Scripture tells us that we have everything we need for life and godliness.  If I had spent those countless hours reading the Word, I'm sure I would have received peace instead of anxiety.

That's not to say I'm against knowledge.  On the contrary, I am trusting that God provides me with a knowledgeable doctor that has the education and context to understand all the information out there.  I'm grateful that doctors today have all that at their disposal.  Still, in spite of all their expertise in the area of cancer treatment, I'm fully aware of the futility in putting all my hope in doctors, medicine, and science.

I'm reminded of Psalm 20:7: "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

May I continue to hope in the only One who is trustworthy and who will never fail me.

Identity

I'm pretty sure I've heard many people dealing with cancer or other diseases saying things like, "Cancer doesn't define me" or "Cancer isn't who I am".  I understand where those people are coming from.  They don't want to be thought of purely in terms of the disease that's inside of them.

I met with my best bud, Tim, yesterday.  He commented on how everything is different now.  No matter how much I'd like to go back to the way things were, cancer left an indelible mark once it entered my body.  Cancer doesn't define who I am, but cancer is irrefutably part of my identity.  In the weeks, months, and (Lord-willing) years to come, I will either be a cancer patient or a cancer survivor.

I think of how this parallels our spiritual identities.  From birth, sin was part of our identity; we were born with a sin nature and born at odds with a holy God.  As Christians, we have been redeemed, and we'd like to reject sin as being part of our identity.  And yet, even after being bought by the precious blood of Christ, sin still has a part in defining us.  It's different, for sure.  No longer is sin part of who we are in that we are enslaved and shackled to it.  No, instead sin takes a backseat, but still plays a role in our identity; we are sinners saved by grace.  We were orphans with no relationship to the Father because of our sin, but we can now joyfully call ourselves adopted children because of Christ's work on the cross.

Sin, like cancer, does not fully define who we are, but it is forever part of our identity.  May God be glorified as the One who saves sinners, as the One who adopts the spiritual orphans, and as the One who can heal those with cancer.

God Is Good

Edit: 3/13/2015 I'm going to continually add to this list so I remember all the ways God has shown His goodness over this journey.

The recurring theme for the past day has been "God is good".  Period.  God was good before my diagnosis, God continues to be good to me today.  It may seem strange to some to recognize God's goodness in the midst of something so weighty, but consider these items:

1. I hadn't been to a doctor in 10 years.  The only reason why the doctors caught that my blood results seemed off was because we were going through an adoption process that required a physical.  I had (and still have) no major symptoms of myeloma other than the cancer cells in my bone marrow and the excess protein in my blood.  It could have progressed a lot further before the doctors caught it, were it not for the grace of God.
2. I received the diagnosis while at my parents' house.  Because I received it there, I was able to get some much needed emotional support and encouragement (and a much needed hug from my mom).  I'm grateful I didn't get that news when I was alone.  God knew what I needed.
3. Prior to receiving the diagnosis, I had spent a large chunk of time with my mom and sister looking over childhood photos, laughing, and reminiscing.  It was great being reminded how blessed I truly am to have had such a happy childhood and to have such a loving family.  I recognize that countless others have to deal with cancer alone.  I'm surrounded by so many people that love and care for me.
4. This past weekend, I got to go on a bachelor party.  I wasn't sure I would be in a good frame of mind since I was waiting for my diagnosis, but right before leaving, I got word that my CT scan and skeletal x-rays were all clear, meaning the cancer at least hadn't reached that advanced stage.  This allowed me to go on the bachelor party with freshened optimism.  The real treat was getting major encouragement from the various brothers on the trip and receiving prayer.
5. My pastors are all at the Shepherds' Conference this weekend.  When I sent them a note about the diagnosis, they were all able to pray for me.  It's such a blessing knowing that they're all lifting us up in prayer.
6. For the past several months, we've been studying the Psalms in Sunday School.  How timely!  I feel that I can now relate to the psalmist.  How can the psalmist claim to trust God yet be in such despair?  I don't know, but I'm right there with him.  I mean, I'm not always in despair, but I do reach that point from time to time.  It's hard because I do trust God, whole-heartedly.  Yet somehow, God is pleased with those honest cries of questioning and wrestling with the news.  Pray that I don't dwell there too long though, for it quickly turns into the sin of self-pity and doubting God's character.
7. I got a new job at Google in November, and everyone has been incredibly supportive and are giving me the time I need for the various tests and to process the news.  I had originally scheduled vacation time today, but my boss rejected it and told me to use sick time instead (we get unlimited sick time).  She told me to count mental health time as sick time, which is a huge blessing.
8. God has given me a Christian coworker who mentioned he was praying for me and send me encouragement from Isaiah today.  Having another brother on my team is such an answer to prayer, and is a special blessing during this tough time.
9. I found out that my cousin works for a pharmaceutical company that has a drug that fights myeloma.  It may not come into play since my doctors will figure out the best treatment, but it's nice to know that support is there.  Additionally, my coworker mentioned that her brother and husband are also in the medical diagnostic field, and both of them told her independently that there have been great strides in the past 10 years in the treatment of myeloma.  She said that if ever the traditional treatment doesn't work, she feels that her husband or brother could probably point me to other potential options.  That was a huge blessing to hear.
10. We closed on our re-fi this past week.  Not only will we be saving money every month, but God also graciously provided us a credit on top of our lower rate (which went toward our next property tax payment).
11. Jenn found out today that she's getting a raise!  Praise God!
12. We completed our taxes earlier this week, and we're also getting a large refund.  God is definitely showing that he will take care of our needs.
13. My buddy, Alex, was able to accompany me to my favorite place in the world today (Monterey).  The weather was perfect, and it was great having a friend to talk to as I processed everything.
14. I've been worried about how people were viewing my performance at work (especially since I'm new to Google), but I got a peer bonus earlier this week, and my coworker emailed all my coworkers to tell them she thinks I've been doing great work.  Praise God.
15. A couple of years ago, God answered my prayers and allowed my best man and his family to move from San Diego to the Bay Area.  I think they weren't sure why God brought them up here.  We now see that one of the purposes for their move was so that he could help carry my burdens during this rough time.  Wow.
16. So many of my family members have such strong faith in God.  I was worried at how everyone would handle the news, but God has strengthened our faith.  It's so encouraging to hear the promises in Scripture, especially in emails from my family.
17. A former coworker volunteers at an organization with the largest Asian bone marrow donor network in case we ever need.
18. We've been studying the Psalms for the past several months in Sunday School.  How timely and relevant!  The psalms give us a voice.  We see how godly men respond in the midst of trials and suffering.
19. My buddy, Kyle, went with me to my appointment at Stanford.  He helped me take notes and asked awesome questions I never would have thought of.
20. My oncologist at PAMF did his fellowship at Stanford.  I only got to see the Stanford myeloma specialist because I'm an interesting case (young and very few symptoms).  Going forward, I'll be able to see both doctors (so it's like a built-in second opinion system).  Praise God!
21. I've received countless emails / phone calls / texts over the past week, all providing some much needed encouragement.  I feel incredibly loved and supported.
22. Jenn is also feeling the outpouring of love and support.

There's probably more that I'm missing, but it's plainly obvious that in spite of the craziness, God is in control, and He is good.  

With that being said, please keep us in prayer.  Even though I've seen tangible evidence of God's grace, I still give in to fear and anxiety at times.  I have to admit that I broke down this morning too, but God will continue to be my strength and my refuge.

-b

Day 1

Today is my first day of living with a cancer diagnosis, though I've suspected I've had cancer for the past two weeks or so.  Jenn said that she "doesn't know how she's feeling".  I can relate.  Perhaps it will sink in at some point, but for the most part I'm feeling rather emotionless.  Don't get me wrong, I've broken down and cried at several points, but those times don't last long.  When they're over, I'm left with more of a sense of numbness than anything else.

I've never been one to write in a journal consistently, but I feel compelled to try.  I guess there are a number of reasons.  I'm incredibly blessed to have so many friends and family members that care for me and want to support me on this journey.  However, given the number of people that want updates, I can't send out individual emails.  I need a way of communicating for anyone interested.  Secondly, I've seen God's hand so many times and in so many ways already.  I want to document all that God is doing so I don't forget.  Thirdly, I've been told that writing down how I'm feeling can be cathartic.  We'll see!

I'd like to state some things right off the bat.  These are statements that everyone should believe that I hold true.  

1. God is good.  Always.
   By His nature, God cannot be anything but good.  I believe this with my whole heart.
2. I do not deserve better.
   I am a sinner, and the wages of sin is death.  God has given me way more than the punishment I deserve - awesome friends and family, a great job,  a comfortable life.  God is more than righteous to give me cancer, and I will not complain about that.
3. God is refining me, not punishing me.
   When I initially thought I had cancer, I wondered if I was being punished for sins.  I was then reminded of 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."  God punished His sinless Son, Jesus Christ, for the sins I committed.  My punishment has been paid in full.  God is, however, refining me.  This is undoubtedly a difficult trial, but it's through this trial that my faith will be refined and perseverance will be developed (James 1:3).
4. God can heal me, but He might not.
   I believe in an all-powerful, all-wise God.  More than that, I believe in a God who loves me as His child.  There is no doubt in my mind that God has the ability to heal me.  With that being said, God never promises to heal.  He does promise, however, that His grace is sufficient for me, and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  I am grateful for the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  In the face of the fiery furnace, they confessed that their God had the power to save them.  They also recognized, however, that even if He didn't save them, He was a God still worthy to be honored and obeyed (Daniel 3:16-18).  God can heal me, but if He doesn't, I believe He is still good (see point #1).
5. God controls the number of days I will be alive.
   Let's get one thing clear - we're all born dying.  Everyone will die at some point.  No amount of caution, no amount of science, no amount of exercise and eating right can buy eternal life.  In fact, no amount of that can buy us an extra second on this earth.  God knows and has ordained how long each of us has here.  This is a comforting thing.  It means that the flip-side is also true.  Nothing can happen to us to shorten the amount of time God would have us live on this earth.  Car crashes, heart attacks, and cancer all cannot change God's plan.
6. I do not fear death.
   Don't get me wrong; the thought of death is weighty and overwhelming.  With that being said, I believe in a life to come.  I believe in a life where there will be no more pain and no more sorrow.  I believe in an eternal life after death where there will be eternal joy because I will be with my Heavenly Father.  I have this peace about death not because of anything I've done; in fact, I deserve eternal punishment for sinning against a holy God.  I have peace because God punished Jesus Christ, His sinless Son, on my behalf.  It is through my faith in Christ that I can have His righteousness attributed to me and be at peace with God.

I feel like I needed to state these things up front because if I don't, people may misconstrue some of my future transparency with a lack of faith or doubt in the goodness of God.  I know it can seem like a disconnect.  How can I say I fully trust God and yet struggle with despair and sorrow and doubt?  Is that fully trusting God?  Are the things I said above things I truly believe?  I need look no further than the Psalms to answer that.  The psalmist has total faith in God, yet he too struggles with doubt and worry (see Psalm 42).  I can relate with the psalmist asking his soul, "Why are you so downcast?  Hope in God!"  It's something I'm sure I'll be saying to myself a lot in the days and weeks to come.  

Wow, this post got long.  I will hopefully post more down the road.

PS: I really like WordPress more than Blogger, but hey, I work at Google so might as well eat our own dogfood?  :)

-b