Day 1

Today is my first day of living with a cancer diagnosis, though I've suspected I've had cancer for the past two weeks or so.  Jenn said that she "doesn't know how she's feeling".  I can relate.  Perhaps it will sink in at some point, but for the most part I'm feeling rather emotionless.  Don't get me wrong, I've broken down and cried at several points, but those times don't last long.  When they're over, I'm left with more of a sense of numbness than anything else.

I've never been one to write in a journal consistently, but I feel compelled to try.  I guess there are a number of reasons.  I'm incredibly blessed to have so many friends and family members that care for me and want to support me on this journey.  However, given the number of people that want updates, I can't send out individual emails.  I need a way of communicating for anyone interested.  Secondly, I've seen God's hand so many times and in so many ways already.  I want to document all that God is doing so I don't forget.  Thirdly, I've been told that writing down how I'm feeling can be cathartic.  We'll see!

I'd like to state some things right off the bat.  These are statements that everyone should believe that I hold true.  

1. God is good.  Always.
   By His nature, God cannot be anything but good.  I believe this with my whole heart.
2. I do not deserve better.
   I am a sinner, and the wages of sin is death.  God has given me way more than the punishment I deserve - awesome friends and family, a great job,  a comfortable life.  God is more than righteous to give me cancer, and I will not complain about that.
3. God is refining me, not punishing me.
   When I initially thought I had cancer, I wondered if I was being punished for sins.  I was then reminded of 2 Corinthians 5:21: "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."  God punished His sinless Son, Jesus Christ, for the sins I committed.  My punishment has been paid in full.  God is, however, refining me.  This is undoubtedly a difficult trial, but it's through this trial that my faith will be refined and perseverance will be developed (James 1:3).
4. God can heal me, but He might not.
   I believe in an all-powerful, all-wise God.  More than that, I believe in a God who loves me as His child.  There is no doubt in my mind that God has the ability to heal me.  With that being said, God never promises to heal.  He does promise, however, that His grace is sufficient for me, and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  I am grateful for the account of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.  In the face of the fiery furnace, they confessed that their God had the power to save them.  They also recognized, however, that even if He didn't save them, He was a God still worthy to be honored and obeyed (Daniel 3:16-18).  God can heal me, but if He doesn't, I believe He is still good (see point #1).
5. God controls the number of days I will be alive.
   Let's get one thing clear - we're all born dying.  Everyone will die at some point.  No amount of caution, no amount of science, no amount of exercise and eating right can buy eternal life.  In fact, no amount of that can buy us an extra second on this earth.  God knows and has ordained how long each of us has here.  This is a comforting thing.  It means that the flip-side is also true.  Nothing can happen to us to shorten the amount of time God would have us live on this earth.  Car crashes, heart attacks, and cancer all cannot change God's plan.
6. I do not fear death.
   Don't get me wrong; the thought of death is weighty and overwhelming.  With that being said, I believe in a life to come.  I believe in a life where there will be no more pain and no more sorrow.  I believe in an eternal life after death where there will be eternal joy because I will be with my Heavenly Father.  I have this peace about death not because of anything I've done; in fact, I deserve eternal punishment for sinning against a holy God.  I have peace because God punished Jesus Christ, His sinless Son, on my behalf.  It is through my faith in Christ that I can have His righteousness attributed to me and be at peace with God.

I feel like I needed to state these things up front because if I don't, people may misconstrue some of my future transparency with a lack of faith or doubt in the goodness of God.  I know it can seem like a disconnect.  How can I say I fully trust God and yet struggle with despair and sorrow and doubt?  Is that fully trusting God?  Are the things I said above things I truly believe?  I need look no further than the Psalms to answer that.  The psalmist has total faith in God, yet he too struggles with doubt and worry (see Psalm 42).  I can relate with the psalmist asking his soul, "Why are you so downcast?  Hope in God!"  It's something I'm sure I'll be saying to myself a lot in the days and weeks to come.  

Wow, this post got long.  I will hopefully post more down the road.

PS: I really like WordPress more than Blogger, but hey, I work at Google so might as well eat our own dogfood?  :)

-b