Flowchart Prayers

"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us.  And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him." (1 John 5:14-15)

As a young child in Sunday School, I was taught that God hears all of our prayers and answers each one.  He either answers our petitions with a "yes", "no", or a "not now".  As I got older, I was taught that God would give us everything we asked for, so long as it was in His will.  This made sense to me intuitively; if our prayers intersected with something God willed to do anyway, of course He would grant us those requests.  The challenging aspect of prayer then becomes - how do we pray according to God's will since His thoughts are far above our thoughts (Isaiah 55:9) and we may not know what His will is?

At the start of this cancer journey, when blood tests first started hinting I might have cancer, I had a hard time praying.  My prayers went something like this:

"Dear God, if it be Your will, please don't let this be cancer!"
But, what if it is God's will for this to be cancer?" 

Ok, God.  If it's Your will that it is cancer, please let it be a cancer that's easily cured, if that be Your will."

Well, maybe God doesn't want my cancer to be curable so I would trust Him more.  You don't know that's His will." 

God, if it's somehow Your will that I have cancer and Your will that it not be curable, please at least give me a relatively long life where I'm feeling healthy ... if that be Your will." 

What if that's not God's will either?

 On and on I'd go, and my prayers became elaborate flow-chart / choose-your-own-adventure prayers - "If yes, great!  If no, please see my next prayer."  In an effort to pray according to God's will, my prayers began to feel disingenuous.  Was I really praying for painful, untreatable, terminal cancer if that was God's will?  At the same time, I felt guilty praying for full healing because I knew there were plenty of other things that were in God's will - that God would be glorified, that He would open opportunities to share the gospel, that my faith would grow.

I started seeking counsel from some godly brothers.  Was this really how God wanted us to pray?  In discussing it with them and thinking about it some more, here are some conclusions I've come to:

• It is not sinful to pray for the desires of your heart.  The psalmists prayed for deliverance and justice.  Hannah prayed for a child.  These are all prayers pleasing to God.  The psalmist even prays that God would give the people the desires of their heart (Psalm 20:4).
• However, our desires are to be continually transformed by the Spirit.  As we mature as Christians, our desires and affections shift away from the sinful, fleshly lusts and passions, and instead we long for the things of God.  As the psalmist mentions, as we delight ourselves in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4).  This again makes sense intuitively.  If we're longing for the things of God, He will give them to us because they are things that God would want for us.
• Praying according to God's will is an attitude and a posture; it does not require that we caveat each petition with an "if it be Your will".  This is the principle that was my big "aha" moment.  Most prayers in Scripture aren't requests with an "if it be Your will" disclaimer.  Saints of the Bible freely and boldly made their requests before God.  However, underlying each of those prayers was a spirit that was willing to yield to God's will.  We need to have the attitude and posture that Jesus did when he prayed on the Mount of Olives that the cup would pass from Him.  I'm convinced that His prayer would have been no less godly if He left it out, but I'm so grateful for the words of Christ when He said "nevertheless, not My will but Yours be done" (Luke 22:41-42)

It's in light of this that I continue to pray boldly and unashamedly for complete healing.  I pray that the chemo treatment would be effective and even super-effective in killing all the cancer cells.  I pray that researchers would discover a cure or a blockbuster drug that I would be able to benefit from.  I pray that God would miraculously just take the cancer away.  

And yet, while I pray boldly for these things, I recognize that this may not be in God's plan for me; and that's okay.  This will not stop me for heart's longing for complete healing; nevertheless, not my will but His be done.

(PS, I'm planning to start chemo tomorrow, so please pray that the treatment would be effective and bring about healing.  Thanks!)

-b