Snowboarding

So I told the Facebook world that I have myeloma.  I thought I was ready to make that announcement; I had come to a place where I was no longer overly anxious, and I was even thankful to God for the myeloma in many respects.  And yet, last night was a bit of a struggle.  Somehow telling an extended group of people made this all too real.  I have cancer.

I have cancer, and people are worried sick.  I have cancer, and people are looking for ways to help ease the stress and pain of the diagnosis.  I have cancer, and people are telling me about treatment options and experimental studies.  I have cancer, and people are telling me stories of their own friends and loved ones' cancer journeys.

I think the reality and gravity of it all is sinking in; no matter how healthy I'm feeling, I have cancer.

People have been commenting on how encouraging it is that I seem to be handling things so well.  While I'd like to say that I've fully processed the situation and am fully at peace, the reality is that there are parts of each day that are a struggle.  Yesterday night was one of those times.  I have to admit that I didn't heed my own advice.  I tried to find stories of people with lots of success with myeloma, and I found myself trying to put more hope in that than in God.  I spent more time reading blogs and studies than I spent in the Word.  I tried to find more comfort in others than from the God of all comfort.

It was disheartening to have experienced what felt like a lapse in faith.  That's not to say that I don't trust God through this, nor is it to say that I doubt His goodness.  On the contrary, I believe those things even more than I did when I was first diagnosed (see my first blog post).  I am just learning that being scared and sad and overwhelmed at times will be part of this journey, and that I can feel those emotions while still keeping the faith.

Over the course of my life, I've heard countless stories of Christians that have undergone overwhelming trials but only praised God through it all.  Their faith seemed so unshakeable, and their joy in the midst of suffering was apparent for all to see.  There have been times over the past week where I wondered why I couldn't be like that.  Why do I have moments of doubt?  Why do I have times of sorrow?

I realized something though.  Those Christians - whose faith and testimony have been such a huge blessing to me - had to grow in their faith.  It's through the trials that God increased their faith and drew them closer to Himself.

I think it's a bit like snowboarding.  The first time I went snowboarding, I would observe everyone going down the mountain.  I would picture myself going through the same motions and figured it would be easy.  When it came to my first ride down the mountain, I was disappointed the first time I fell.  And then I fell again, and again, and again.  At one point I was in a ditch and couldn't get myself out, and I sat there frustrated that I couldn't be like everyone else on that mountain that could ride with such ease.

Though I never saw it, I know that everyone fell in learning to snowboard.  They all learned how to deal with the bumps and bruises.  I just see the end product, but it was a journey getting to competence.

I'm slowly learning the same is true in dealing with these difficult trials.  I can look at some dear saints that have endured way more than I ever will and be in awe of their faith, but I'm looking at the product of years of God growing, stretching, and refining them.

I'm disappointed and discouraged that my faith is so weak, but I'm learning that God is not done.  Through the trials to come, he will continue to grow and refine me until I'm complete.  Oh what blessed hope!

How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said—
To you who for refuge to Jesus have fled? 

“Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid;
I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My gracious, omnipotent hand. 

“When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not overflow;
For I will be with thee thy trouble to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress. 

“When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not harm thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine. 

“The soul that on Jesus doth lean for repose,
I will not, I will not, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

("How Firm A Foundation", John Keith)